Duck

What I found is that again, that time of diagnosis and the time of birth is often very difficult and upsetting for people. Kids with Down syndrome are, by and large, quite affectionate and relatively guileless and frequently, the attachments to them grow and deepen. And the meaning that parents find in it grows and deepens. So the story that epitomizes it perhaps was of Tom and Karen Robards, who were a couple I met in New York who had gotten involved in changing the way education services are delivered to people with Down syndrome. They set up something called the Cooke Center and they did really noble and heroic work in that arena and their son is now 30.

And I said, ‘Look you’ve given your lives to this.’ I said, ‘Do wish you wish you’d never heard of Down syndrome? Do you wish you could make it go away?’ And his mother said, ‘You know for our son, David, I wish I could make it go away because for David, it’s a difficult way to be in the world. And I would do anything to make David’s life easier.’ She said, ‘But speaking for myself, while I would never have believed 30 years ago that I would get to such a point, speaking for myself it’s made me think so much more deeply and appreciate humanity so much more broadly and live so much more richly. That speaking for myself, I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.’

And while she articulated that idea with particular eloquence I found it was not an infrequent refrain — that most parents had become very attached to their children. And at some level I kept thinking, ‘But surely you’d rather have children without Down syndrome?’ And then I thought people become attached to their children with whatever their flaws are. I’m attached to my children with whatever flaws they have and if some glorious angel broke through the living room ceiling and offered to exchange them for other better children, I’d cling to my kids and pray away this specter.